Distance

I have been in a weird, distant state for a while now and I am just realizing it. I'm not ready to come out of it yet, but I wanted to talk about it.

When asked "How are you?" I mostly answer "Fine" like most other people without thinking about it or I'd answer "Fine, just tired." Honestly, I'm not feeling fine, I just don't want to deal with thinking about it. I do what I need to do at work, but no more. I sit on the couch every night when I come home from work at stare at the TV.

I've quit reading books for the most part. I never make dinner. The house stays looking like a wreck and I even put that out of my mind because I don't want to think about it. My relationship with Cory makes more falls than rises, but it seems to me like I keep it in the valley - like I enjoy confrontation or something. We say I love you and kiss goodnight, but the passion and intimacy have dwindled, leaving us with companionship. Companionship is easy.

I cannot remember feeling true joy for a while now. The baby's movements make me smile and seems to be the only thing that takes me from blase' to happy. Sure, I try to put on a happy face when I'm around others and at times, I am happy - just not a lasting happy. I think the pregnancy gives me an easy out to say that I'm tired when I don't feel happy.

I'm not looking for a diagnosis, nor advice. I slowly feel myself coming out of it and I feel fine knowing that I'm reaching up, no matter how long it may take to get there.

Just felt like I needed to put it down. Thanks for listening and not judging.